Shock to the System

I went back to the office today after three weeks of Three Sisters as my full time Job instead of the usual day job of working for a real estate attorney to stay in the country for my visa, and frankly I am in shock. I am actually indeed still at the office and dying for the day to be over. Please!!

Yes, I hired someone to take over my job for 3 weeks so that my boss wasn’t drowning but I came in almost every night to take care of daily stuff (which almost defeated the purpose), and clutched to my blackberry in all rehearsal breaks in case they needed me for anything, which they did. However, for the last four days we had eight performances and I didn’t have time to make it in so today coming back to piles on my desk was HELL!!

Suddenly I go from full time professional actor (what it should be!!), and this amazing opportunity to once again spending 40 hours a week at least as a full time administrative assistant/real estate salesperson…and it kind of makes me want to scream a little. I understand there are bills to pay – ooooh so many bills to pay – which I am not sure how I am going to pay this month due to the show, but I guess I started to realize that even if I wanted to quit or change jobs I actually could not. I am actually not allowed. I can’t. I can NOT.

I started to realize I was trapped and jealous of others with their part-time jobs or at least the choice to change or…I don’t know. I started to feel like being a foreigner on a visa doing hard work for literally no money that I purposefully chose so I could stay in the country to act wasn’t fair anymore. It’s hard enough just being an actor whether you need a job or fifty jobs or have enough money to not work. And then it’s also hard to get any kind of a visa, actor or not, they make it hard regardless – so…great, I am trapped. I am not going to blow up the country so they should just give me a green card or a passport and ease it all just a little bit (any government professionals reading??)

My fellow cast members seemed to also feel some pain too today – they have been emailing each other back and forth all day about this odd shock to the system. I joined in the group email announcing I was going to jump out of the window of Corporate America and one of my darling fellow Russian sisters wrote back in true older sister sweetness with this:

“We’ll catch you my beautiful girl!! You belong on the stage!!”

And it made me smile.

And it made me think.

I DO belong on the stage.

Yes, I am extremely self-critical – I will never be satisfied with any of my performances on stage, on film, anywhere…but…I have and never doubt that I am and always will be an actor – never have since I was born. And, I never will stop following that reality despite my negativity – that’s not the issue.

I guess, deep down I must know that I have something that people find worth watching and worth telling me about after they see my work. I can criticize on the inside but on the outside I am not controlling their expressions of interest and praise of my work…so, I guess I must have something.

I just wish that I wasn’t stuck behind this desk – as an obligation – as my only current option to be on the stage, in films, etc.

It’s just a shock to my system to keep remembering that.

That’s all I am really saying.

Ah, poop, enough Chekhovian philosophizing! Let’s drink some vodka!!